Good Grief? Who dat?
Before my Dad died, the only sense of grief I knew was the loss of my both of my Grandmothers. And before that it was the tragic loss of my puppy in the 4th grade. And though I thought I really knew what grief was...it wasn't until my Dad's passing, that grief really slapped me in the face! The pain of it was so awful and confusing, that all I could bare to do was deny it. Unfortunately, that was easy for me at the time...
Why do I say unfortunately? Well because the truth is, our relationship wasn't anywhere close to where I really wanted it to be at the time of his death. The "distance" between us had become more than the actual miles of distance between us. But ya know, I always thought that maybe there was still time... time to get back to some sort of relationship we had had before some bad choices and bad reactions drove a wedge between us. I mean, I had finally made the decision to go see him out in Florida and introduce him to my two beautiful children (Miles had not been born yet at the time). We had not seen each other in almost 6 years, which was basically the entire time we had been here in Utah, but that didn't matter anymore because I finally felt that maybe our relationship was heading in the right direction and maybe we could make up for all that time we lost! I guess I was stupid to hold onto that hope. But unknown to me at the time, all of that was going to change in a matter of months....
Yep, my Dad died of cirrhosis of the liver caused by excessive Alcohol consumption. But see the thing is and what was REALLY hard for me to forgive and understand, was that I'm pretty sure he knew what was happening to his body when we came out to visit...because he became so ill 4 months later that it was hard to recognize even the sound of his voice. You have no idea the the frustration and anger I felt! Why didn't he tell me? Why did I expect him to tell me? I mean it was so typical of him to be so inconsiderate sometimes. But why, why did he choose this? What was so hard for him to accept in his life that he had to hide behind alcohol so much? The list of questions I had and continue to have, have haunted me ever sense. I didn't know what to do with them and he wasn't there to answer them anymore...
But as hard as it has been to carry around those unanswered questions, it has been even harder to accept how final it felt. I mean He's really not coming back. How in the world was I going to deal with that? I know, Denial. Like I said...because of the distance of miles and the fact that I didn't really have any memories with him here in Utah, it wasn't too hard to do really. Did I attempt to face it? Yes I did. Purchased a couple of airplane tickets actually through out the almost 3 years since his death...and cancelled ALL of them. I had convinced myself, that if I don't go back, he's not really gone, right? So I can pretend he's just mad at me and giving me the ultimate silent treatment, right?
Well, that worked for a little while...until grief slapped me in the face again...
A family unlike a family I have ever known that lives in my community tragically lost their little girl. And as I sat there in my front room reading all of the posts and updates from her Mom and Dad on her condition...crying in a way that I have only cried a couple of times in my life...I can now see how my own personal unaddressed grief had come crashing down on me by way of empathy toward them.
And you might be asking, "What made this family so different and unknown to you?" For me, it was their extraordinary ability to write and share this devastatingly tragic moment while literally going through it. The raw, Christ-Like Love and Ttust they had in their guidance from God, when every ounce of their physical self said NO! It reached me in ways I connected with only a handful of times in my life...
Now, for those that don't know me, I consider myself a very empathetic person...almost too empathetic at times...to the point where it can pull me into a small depression. So usually for fear of getting lost in that empathy and letting it consume me, I shut it off or distract myself with something else. But this time, I didn't...
Something inside of me stood up and said, yes...feel this Mother and Father's pain, this Family's pain. They wouldn't be writing about these priceless details and memories if they didn't want you to read them. It needs you and you need it. At first it didn't make sense to me but like I always try to do...I just listened. And nothing was going to deter me from being right beside this family in spirit as they went through this.
So, there I was giving it my all to put aside my self doubt and personal fears to do what I felt I needed to do for them. Not as easy as it sounds at the time mind you...but looking back it was probably one of the easiest internal "civil wars" of mine to date. And trust me, me and my personal fears battle ALL THE TIME!!
It wasn't until a couple of months later, just before an event we had planned for this family, that I realized why I was able to empathize so much. And though my grief was no where near the magnitude of this family's, I finally understood why something inside me started to listen.
It was because, everything happens for a reason...like a perfect plan and us as the perfect parts of that perfect plan..God's plan....
I was meant to hold onto my grief like I did years ago, so that when the time came to face it...I could do so in the form of service to this Family. My grief connected me to them in a way that I have never experienced before. And I was in awe of how beautifully she wrote about this experience and allowed herself to be so vulnerable to so many people. Because of her example and that of so many others, I finally allowed myself to become vulnerable as well...
And in that vulnerability, I heard the answer to one of my biggest questions and ultimate fears...
How am I supposed to deal with the finality of Death? Cause it still scares me so so much....
And this was the answer I got....In the voice of my Father...
"Heather, who in the world told you this was final? Because it's not. Though you can not see me, I am here, always with you. I'm not done with you and I know you still are not be done with me.
How will you know I'm still with you? Be it in a dream or a memory that I pop into your head when you need it, I will let you know. But make sure you are paying attention!
Try to think of this as if I have moved on beyond your comprehension. And though I'm not in physical form like you are now, I'm always there with you. Could be a breeze that randomly gives you goose bumps or in that flutter you get in your heart when you are thinking of me. You just have to pay attention. Even when it aches so bad that you feel like you can't dare take another breath. We are bonded in that ache, that flutter.
I know that this has been harder than you have ever known before, but before you begin to actually realize...another day will go by, and another, and another...until they don't become as hard anymore. And then, by the time you begin to realize that those memories and unanswered questions don't hurt quite as bad, that ache in your heart for me will begin to GLOW instead. And that glow you feel in your heart is my way saying, 'I love you and will always and forever be with you. always.'
So chin up and start paying attention, because I have a lot to say still...whether for your unanswered questions and the questions you don't even know you have yet...we are all talking to you all the time. Again, just pay attention!"
To so so many:
From the bottom of my Heart...THANK YOU! I am forever connected to all of you in a way that I feel connected to God above. And feel forever in your service...
And thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts in words. Please feel free to comment or write back to me. I would love to hear your thoughts as well!
Why do I say unfortunately? Well because the truth is, our relationship wasn't anywhere close to where I really wanted it to be at the time of his death. The "distance" between us had become more than the actual miles of distance between us. But ya know, I always thought that maybe there was still time... time to get back to some sort of relationship we had had before some bad choices and bad reactions drove a wedge between us. I mean, I had finally made the decision to go see him out in Florida and introduce him to my two beautiful children (Miles had not been born yet at the time). We had not seen each other in almost 6 years, which was basically the entire time we had been here in Utah, but that didn't matter anymore because I finally felt that maybe our relationship was heading in the right direction and maybe we could make up for all that time we lost! I guess I was stupid to hold onto that hope. But unknown to me at the time, all of that was going to change in a matter of months....
Yep, my Dad died of cirrhosis of the liver caused by excessive Alcohol consumption. But see the thing is and what was REALLY hard for me to forgive and understand, was that I'm pretty sure he knew what was happening to his body when we came out to visit...because he became so ill 4 months later that it was hard to recognize even the sound of his voice. You have no idea the the frustration and anger I felt! Why didn't he tell me? Why did I expect him to tell me? I mean it was so typical of him to be so inconsiderate sometimes. But why, why did he choose this? What was so hard for him to accept in his life that he had to hide behind alcohol so much? The list of questions I had and continue to have, have haunted me ever sense. I didn't know what to do with them and he wasn't there to answer them anymore...
But as hard as it has been to carry around those unanswered questions, it has been even harder to accept how final it felt. I mean He's really not coming back. How in the world was I going to deal with that? I know, Denial. Like I said...because of the distance of miles and the fact that I didn't really have any memories with him here in Utah, it wasn't too hard to do really. Did I attempt to face it? Yes I did. Purchased a couple of airplane tickets actually through out the almost 3 years since his death...and cancelled ALL of them. I had convinced myself, that if I don't go back, he's not really gone, right? So I can pretend he's just mad at me and giving me the ultimate silent treatment, right?
Well, that worked for a little while...until grief slapped me in the face again...
A family unlike a family I have ever known that lives in my community tragically lost their little girl. And as I sat there in my front room reading all of the posts and updates from her Mom and Dad on her condition...crying in a way that I have only cried a couple of times in my life...I can now see how my own personal unaddressed grief had come crashing down on me by way of empathy toward them.
And you might be asking, "What made this family so different and unknown to you?" For me, it was their extraordinary ability to write and share this devastatingly tragic moment while literally going through it. The raw, Christ-Like Love and Ttust they had in their guidance from God, when every ounce of their physical self said NO! It reached me in ways I connected with only a handful of times in my life...
Now, for those that don't know me, I consider myself a very empathetic person...almost too empathetic at times...to the point where it can pull me into a small depression. So usually for fear of getting lost in that empathy and letting it consume me, I shut it off or distract myself with something else. But this time, I didn't...
Something inside of me stood up and said, yes...feel this Mother and Father's pain, this Family's pain. They wouldn't be writing about these priceless details and memories if they didn't want you to read them. It needs you and you need it. At first it didn't make sense to me but like I always try to do...I just listened. And nothing was going to deter me from being right beside this family in spirit as they went through this.
So, there I was giving it my all to put aside my self doubt and personal fears to do what I felt I needed to do for them. Not as easy as it sounds at the time mind you...but looking back it was probably one of the easiest internal "civil wars" of mine to date. And trust me, me and my personal fears battle ALL THE TIME!!
It wasn't until a couple of months later, just before an event we had planned for this family, that I realized why I was able to empathize so much. And though my grief was no where near the magnitude of this family's, I finally understood why something inside me started to listen.
It was because, everything happens for a reason...like a perfect plan and us as the perfect parts of that perfect plan..God's plan....
I was meant to hold onto my grief like I did years ago, so that when the time came to face it...I could do so in the form of service to this Family. My grief connected me to them in a way that I have never experienced before. And I was in awe of how beautifully she wrote about this experience and allowed herself to be so vulnerable to so many people. Because of her example and that of so many others, I finally allowed myself to become vulnerable as well...
And in that vulnerability, I heard the answer to one of my biggest questions and ultimate fears...
How am I supposed to deal with the finality of Death? Cause it still scares me so so much....
And this was the answer I got....In the voice of my Father...
"Heather, who in the world told you this was final? Because it's not. Though you can not see me, I am here, always with you. I'm not done with you and I know you still are not be done with me.
How will you know I'm still with you? Be it in a dream or a memory that I pop into your head when you need it, I will let you know. But make sure you are paying attention!
Try to think of this as if I have moved on beyond your comprehension. And though I'm not in physical form like you are now, I'm always there with you. Could be a breeze that randomly gives you goose bumps or in that flutter you get in your heart when you are thinking of me. You just have to pay attention. Even when it aches so bad that you feel like you can't dare take another breath. We are bonded in that ache, that flutter.
I know that this has been harder than you have ever known before, but before you begin to actually realize...another day will go by, and another, and another...until they don't become as hard anymore. And then, by the time you begin to realize that those memories and unanswered questions don't hurt quite as bad, that ache in your heart for me will begin to GLOW instead. And that glow you feel in your heart is my way saying, 'I love you and will always and forever be with you. always.'
So chin up and start paying attention, because I have a lot to say still...whether for your unanswered questions and the questions you don't even know you have yet...we are all talking to you all the time. Again, just pay attention!"
To so so many:
From the bottom of my Heart...THANK YOU! I am forever connected to all of you in a way that I feel connected to God above. And feel forever in your service...
And thank you for taking the time to read my thoughts in words. Please feel free to comment or write back to me. I would love to hear your thoughts as well!
Comments
Post a Comment