Paying Attention With Love

So before starting my talk I gave this past Sunday morning at my church, I first asked everyone to stand up. And then asked them to shake the hand of all those neighboring them while saying, "Peace be with you." and in return they shall say, "and also with you." And when finished, sit back down.

I then explained they will understand the meaning of that at the end of my talk….

When I had the impression to give a talk back in January, I took a leap of faith and texted my good friend A-Aron and my Bishop to ask if I could give a one…like an official one? I’m not sure if they were as shocked as I was…because I had been pretty straightforward and clear that I had no idea when and if I will ever return to attending Church. It had been 8 + years since I really felt a personal spiritual connection, which baffled me because it’s literally everywhere.

So, I was then asked if I had a topic in mind. And having never given a talk, I was kind of at a loss. So I pondered for a moment...and all I could hear was PAYING ATTENTION. Now you might ask, what are we PAYING ATTENTION too?
Well,  funny you should ask, because I’ve had that same question basically my whole life! But It wasn’t until going to the craft store with my daughter that the answer basically feel off the shelf and into my arms….there was this beautiful wall art of the word “Love” in script, which I had planned to bring with me, but show and tell is not allowed during a sacrament talk so I held up a a piece of paper with the word love in script instead.

said "wall art of the word 'Love' in script"

So, there have only been a handful of times for me so far that I can say I have experienced a spiritual awakening: First when I was 6 years old, then at 14, again at 19, then at 24 when I met my husband, Dan and joined the LDS Church….and then again this past January (age not necessary). All of these experiences profoundly essential in getting me to where I am today. And when I think back on them now, the one thing they all have in common was the presence of love driving them.

And I’d like to share some of these experiences with you today in hopes to explain this concept of Paying Attention 'With Love' (not 'To Love'). But first, understand how extremely difficult this simple concept was for me.

Now, if someone where to ask me, "what is the first memory you can remember?”

It was when I was three years old, My Mom and Dad were in the process of getting divorced…which was not a pretty experience as most divorces aren't, but then it just went downhill from there."

After the Divorce, I lived with my Mom, who decided to re-marry when I was almost 6 years old. And at first he seemed nice enough; but then once they married, the abuse to both my mom and me began shortly thereafter and became a normal thing in our lives. 

My Mom decided to raise me in the Catholic Church, which fortunately had become a place of refuge for me. But I couldn't ignore the situation at home because it was getting harder and harder to bare and ignore. And more so, I couldn't understand why my Mom and my Dad were allowing this man to do this to me. But I didn’t realize how angry and upset I had become until I was about 14 years old on a weekend Church retreat up in the North Georgia Mountains when I was asked to write a letter to God.

We were given roughly 30 mins to write this letter about anything. We would then mail it from the retreat location to our home address, but we weren’t allowed to mail the letter until our youth counselor read over it with us. Of course, that didn't matter for me because for some reason I just couldn’t write anything. I was too ashamed. 

So then of course, everyone finishes and I was the only one left sitting at the tables! Oh my gosh, I was so embarrassed and frustrated! 

But then eventually my youth counselor came over and asked, "What's wrong?"

At which I said, “I’m ashamed of what I want to write to God.”

She then asks, “Why?”

And I say, "Because I’m so angry with Him right now. Why would He allow all of these horrible things to keep happening to me over and over and over again? What did I do to deserve this?"

At which of course she hugged me, we cried for a minute, and then she said, “It’s ok to be angry, that is absolutely a natural response. You write what you truly feel, because He knows already. He just needs you to get it out.”

Now fast forward to Heather at age 19, I was a sophomore at Ringling College of Art & Design in Sarasota, Florida. I’m listening to a lecture in my Anthropology class about some obscure tribe in the South American Rainforest, when it hits me! Of course, all I could think to do after that lecture was to go find my Dad, who worked on the campus. When I did find him, it took me10 mins straight to explain how I just realized that there are other beliefs out there besides ours? Generations of people believing things that I find to be kind of “out there”, but when I step back from the only belief I have know my whole life, I can kind of see how “out there” it might look to them. 

So I ask, "Who is right? And if we’re right, what makes us right? And WHAT IF WE'RE WRONG?!”

And when I finished this passionate plea for answers, I looked at him... eyes wide…almost panicked…and waited for his reply…

At which he says to me, “Heather, that is for you to figure our for yourself.”

Of course, I’m thinking, “Wait what”….and then I say, “But how do you figure it out?”

He then says, “Study, read, and ponder.”

Now as frusratingly simple as that answer was at the time, I have only recently realized how grateful I am for it.

And at some point in all of this, and for many reasons I need not explain now, I had come to the conclusion that though I respected the Catholic Church, I didn’t really identify with it anymore. But I wanted to talk to someone about it, so I went to my Grandma (I call Bach) 

After telling her my feelings and questions, I then say to her, "I no longer identify as Catholic." 

At which, I immediately stare down at the floor...stomach in a knot...waiting for the "guilt filled" lecture to start...but to my amazement that was quite the opposite!

Instead, Bachi said, "I understand. And all I ask of you is that you keep the Bible close to you always. And read and ponder its truth in your heart and not just in your mind.”

Ok! Whew! (Deep breath) Didn’t expect that! I really didn’t know what she meant by that, but I’m just so glad that she didn’t tear into me! That was so much easier than I thought it was going to be. 

So extremely relieved, I thanked her, hugged her, cried and left feeling empowered, trusted, respected, and with a sense of security knowing that I could most likely bring any question I had to them both without fear of being judged. All of which allowed me to set off into the world of spiritually free of obligations to anyone but myself. 

And like Christopher Columbus in a way, I began my journey to explore this unknown world of spiritual beliefs and practices.

Now I wish I could say that 'bing bam boom' I found myself something to believe in, but that would be so far from the truth!

There was so much information to process and beliefs to try to identify with. I was just flooded with questions…and NO ANSWERS.

So I took a break…

Then at the age of 24, out of college, living on my own in Atlanta, Ga and working in my Dream Job as a Graphic Designer...I met this guy at a club (as Dan likes to call it) but I’m gonna call it what it was…a bar. 

And somehow this guy made his way over to me without my knowledge and got my attention. For a second, I froze in panic, like 'oh no! I don’t know what to say!'  And then I say the first thing I could think of since we where sitting at a bar (At which point I look back at Dan who was sitting behind me waiting to give his talk next and say to him, "Yes, a BAR") “So, what’s your favorite drink” or something like that.

At which he replied, “I don’t drink.”

So naturally I asked, “Why?”

He then says, “Because I’m Mormon”.

Y’all, he could have said he was Martian for all I know because I had never heard that word before. And then come to find out, I had never heard of the whole LDS Church headquartered in SLC, Utah thing before for that matter…

We didn’t really talk much more about his religion that night however…

But naturally, the next day, I call my friends and my family all asking them, “What the heck is a Mormon?” And I didn’t get the feeling they really knew much because they just kept saying they are not Christian? Which confused the heck out of me since Jesus Christ is literally in the name. But in any case, I was indirectly and directly told to stay away…

But gosh darn it…I just couldn’t...there was something so different and so wonderful about this guy! So thankfully he contacted me 2-3 days later and we began to date. 

And after a few conversations, I began to realize just how important this "Mormon" thing really was to him. So I figured, seeing how I was beginning to fall in love with him, that I might need to look into it after all...

And that’s when I dove into these books called,” Mormonism for Dummies" and “Are Mormon’s Christian?” Figured it was the most straightforward explanation I could get without much opinion and what not. Of course, the first answer I got was that "Yes, they are Christian" BTW. But as I read more and more I found myself drawn to the huge emphasis on a solid, healthy, and strong Family Structure (something I had never really known) and that they (Families) stay together forever...for eternity. I remember thinking, "Thank you!" When the Catholic priest at my Brother's wedding said, 'Until Death do you Part'...it made me sad. 

Now without getting into too much more detail, I did join the church about 11 months after we met, he proposed 2 months later, we married 5 months after that. Then about 7 months after that, I went through the LDS Temple (in Atlanta ) for the first time, then literally drove to our new home in Maryland the next morning. We were then sealed in the DC Temple 4 months after that, had our first baby 6 months after that, and then moved to Utah 8 months after that! 

Now, I don’t know about y’all, but that seemed like a bucket full of some pretty big life transitions that happened in a WARP SPEED like fashion! I mean, this decision to join this church had catapulted me into some very BIG life transitions and quickly! 

And when the dust finally settled, I found myself in a place that looked nothing like I have ever seen before (Sure, I had seen pictures of the National Parks in Utah and heard some things), but I had never set foot in Utah until we were told that if we want to keep our job, we have to move there. So here it was 2008, at which time the recession was sweeping across our nation; so basically, we had no choice.

Now I can't begin to tell you how overwhelmed I felt! I was grasping straws to cling to something that resembled the world I knew. So, at a loss….thinking what the heck just happened…and where do I begin...all I could think of was that I needed to step back from it all to get some air and some much needed perspective. 

So maybe it took 8 years…thats ok, God is extremely patient and understanding!

But in those eight years, I found myself stuck in this mode of “fake it until you make it”. 

And then something all of a sudden got my attention. Something very hard to talk about without getting extremely choked up, but I’m gonna try. 

A family up here in our community lost their little girl in a very tragic accident. And not only had I become so deeply saddened by this, I found myself drawn to reading all of the posts from her Mom, Dad, Family and Friends on their Facebook Page. But I didn’t understand why and wouldn't until after the following experience…

I had been trying to fight this flu I got this past Christmas for two weeks and I just couldn’t understand why it wouldn’t just go away. I mean, every one else: Dan, Mason, Mackenzie and Miles got sick over the Christmas break, but they got better. Now, in hind sight, my mistake was that I just kept going like most people do when you just have things you just have to do. But it wasn’t until I basically couldn’t move and could barely breath that I finally conceded to Dan making an appointment with our doctor. But we couldn’t get in to see him until the next day.  

So what do I do until then? I was scared and felt I was going crazy…I had convinced myself that all of this emotional trauma I had experienced through out my life had finally caught up to me and now I’m just having a nervous break down or something. I just knew I wasn’t going to be able to rest that night, so I thought for a minute and all I could think to do was call my friend, Kiki…she’d know what to do.

So she comes over, and I quickly tell her what’s been happening and she says to me, “My dear, your not crazy, your sick” and you need a blessing.

I can’t tell you how profound those words were to me. I think I even said them in my fast testimony at Church a few days after. But those words and that blessing my Husband did for me, for some reason just made something click. And that’s when I realized what it was that called to me in the words of that little girl's Mom and Dad, Sunny and Reno.

I had allowed all of my burdens, challenges, and emotional trauma to take over me to the point that I was at constant war with myself and in a state of chaos in my mind. It had gotten to the point where even “faking it until you make it” was hard to do. 

I had become so internally consumed with all of my challenges and traumas that it controlled everything I did, I said and I thought. I had failed to PAY ATTENTION to the most important person in my life…myself.

But it wasn’t until I paid attention to how Sunny and Reno wrote about what had just happened that I understood what it truly meant to “Cast thy burden upon the Lord and he shall sustain the.” PSLAMS 55:22

And once I did just that for myself in their example…all the answers I’ve been searching for throughout my life came flooding in to the point that it’s been keeping me up at night.

Now before this past January, I thought I really understood and grasped the idea and existence of Jesus Christ. I mean, growing up He hung above the Priest at the pulpit, so His crucifixion had been a very common visual in my life. But all I remember is the sadness and pain that I felt when I looked at Him nailed to that cross with thorns piercing into His head. But I just couldn't understand what this “MEANT” that I was looking at. It all just seemed so hard to grasp and had me constantly asking, “How in the world was He resurrected?" And more so, “What does it mean that He died for our sins? Does that mean I have to sin?" Sounds crazy that thats what I thought, but thats what it said and for some reason I was just stuck on that one word…”sins”  

But it wasn't until experiencing and paying attention with Christ-Like Love that I realized…"He died to take upon Him all of our burdens, challenges, and traumas so that we do not."

So I am here today, ready to transition into my newfound sense of spiritual self; to admit and surrender my fears, my challenges, my burdens, and my pain to God and Jesus Christ. 

So that I may, “Be still and know that I am God.”

As it says in PSALMS 46:10

To Pay Attention to the good and the bad experiences with not only Love, but CHRIST-LIKE Love. For it is then that you will hear Him because He is always with you and always saying something.

And as it says in Matthew 22:37-39

“Jesus said unto him, though shalt love the Lord thy God with all thy heart, and with all thy soul, and with all thy mind.

This is the first and great commandment.

And the second is like unto it, though shalt love thy neighbor as thyself.”

By loving Yourself as Jesus Christ and Heavenly Father Love you, you will then have the ability to process your self doubt, your fears and your paralyzing emotional pain of your past, present and future with that same love. 

With this Christ-Like Love for Self, you will find the ability to say to your doubts, your fears, and your paralyzing emotional pain with more truth than ever before, “YOU’RE NOT WELCOME HERE!”

For God, and Jesus and the Holy Ghost truly want PEACE to reside within each one of us…so that we may truly know ourselves, live to our truest potential, and fulfill our purpose while here on earth.

So if you get anything from this talk, other than Heather Calley:101, just remember to Pay Attention to Yourself with Christ-Like Love....and you will begin to see everything else fall into place and just make sense.

Because again God, Christ & the Holy Ghost only want us to love ourselves as they love us.

And May PEACE be with YOU and also with ME…in the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.